i’m embarrassed
because i am strong and resilient and I have pride in my lineage
of strong beautiful black men and women (and white, and indigenous….and much more)
who are surivivors
and who thrived
and I’m embarrased
to be so afriad
and have an anxiety attack driving in my car
when the flashing red and blue lights appear
and i wonder will i walk away alive…
and then pull over in shaky relief to a grocery parking lot
when it turns out
the police lights weren’t for me
and I’m embarrased
to admit that
that…
fear
because the fear comes from the knowledge
that my life matters less
that i could never explain
or show
or exemplify
anything other then what my skin color says
to someone
who holds my life in pendulum balance
and i’m embarrased
that i mean less
much less
far less
to society
then someone
with lighter skin
and the same wit
the same smile
the same sharp mind
and eclectic taste for music
I mean less
because of who I was born to be
and it’s embarrasing to admit
for me.
I hope to overcome that
before it buries me.