Auf Wiedersehen

“Why linger where you aren’t wanted?”

Indeed.

You will always be the villain in someones story.

But there are no virtuous victims in this life.
Only victims

So you may as well
light your cigarettes on the bridges they burn down in front of your eyes.
Whisper only to yourself, “I am not afraid of the depths”.

Viaducts were built by the conquerors.
The creators learned to swim.

 

 

**Sigrid is a great artist to check out when you are feeling un-apologetically you….**

Malaise (an ode to hormonal based anxiety)

Once a month for about 5 days straight, I’m ensconced in an eerie malaise because the entire world is horrifically skewed towards a random skin color, white and it seems an impossible feat to bring a sense of cultural, ethnic, and racial equality not to mention the injection of religion which don’t even get me started on religious folks i grew up with the churchgoing happy ones who donated time and money to helping the less fortunate but would still completely cast out and deny their own flesh and blood should that deign to express any non-religious based sentiment or lifestyle…..but not just that along with the world being a mess i have to fix myself and how do you do that when all you seem to be is a collection of stubborn vices, unwritten stories, and an ancient soul I’m talking a soul so old it was carved from the very first geologic formation and then i get angry at myself for being myself and angry at everyone else for also not being myself and then comes the fear in the pit of my stomach, rising just beneath the rib cage what if this time I truly am slipping into insanity coupled with a depression that will turn me into a less talented Sylvia Plath that will never write a magnum opus because i’m crippled by those vices that no being or god can absolve me of and i surf the tide of fear straight into judge and blame because how dare my partner not have the same drive, dream and goals as i, i who was raised by parents who challenged and pushed me so hard that I am independent and motivated and don’t need reminding or poking to do the simplest of things…those same parents that loved me into a tight cocoon so painful it took a dip into a spiraling depression to make me pursue my own happiness…am i happy, but am i really happy and should i even aim to be happy or should I aim to be content and pursue happy, is it obtainable for someone like me, or am i driven solely because i live on the cusp of happiness if I obtain happiness completely will i cease to exist, will I cease to be me and how will i know when I’m really really me, and how come i am not working harder today, i worked so much harder yesterday and now my mind cannot focus on a simple task for more than 5 minutes, but its not ADD because I don’t believe in ADD, its fine for other people, but not for myself, because I’m too lazy to have ADD which doesn’t exist, but i couldn’t have it anyways as evidenced by my supreme laziness that allows my home to be a wreck sometimes…I need to write, I have to write, but i don’t want anyone to read it because if they touch it if they peruse the text then the story no longer exists as it does, perfect in my own imperfect handwritten world with yellow crispy pages. And aaaahh i feel a little better now, i feel more solid and balanced now, I feel back to “normal” now. As normal as a chameleon can feel.

Thanks Mother Nature.

 

Neon Black

The kind of black I am
gives people pause

the kind of black that..
well

fades into blackness

you won’t see me as black
and you won’t
hear
me as black

I’m far too dark
to ever been
taken lightly

I’m the quiet black
the creative black
the eccentric black

the undiscovered black

the uncharted vacuum of black

the kind of black that inspired rock and roll

the kind that punk rock wears
that blues black

the kind that hovers
just below the surface
of every deep seated roiling emotional outburst

The kind of black
I am

makes all other shades of black
pale
in utter consternation

“How can I be black
when I act/talk/feel/create/groove
like that?”

The kind of black
that looks in the mirror
in the dark
and sees only
a neon gleaming smile.