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cirque de la nuit

The inky journey of a modern day Troubador

Month

June 2017

All that you Are

We measure ourselves by comparison.
From Birth
and I hate that

Hate that we come into this world a blank slate to
be beautiful clothed in all the colors of the world
and we choose comparison

..”your baby weighs in the 15th percentile of all babies”

I get it. It’s a measure of health, its useful.

But then you are 5 years old in preschool and the teacher wonders why your child is unable to color between the lines where other children can.

In 5th grade most children have learned their multiplication tables by heart but your child still uses his fingers.

In high school other children are into sports, or theater cliques while your child sits under the stairs and draws things that make counselors wring their hands with worry.

Why are we always measured by what we aren’t?

What are you? Describe yourself in fantastically obscure words that could explain topography of a landscape or the majesty of ancient architecture.

What are you, as a whole complete being on your own?

What are you, as if no one else exists on this planet?

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Challenges

It’s been hard.
Documenting my challenges internally
and leaving the external world out of it.

But it is hard to know just how inside my own head I am
sometimes

The Intention/inspiration challenge is over.

And I know myself.

In ways that I don’t think I wanted to know myself.

But I’m glad I do.

I didn’t want to know how much of a dreamer I am
How disorganized and panicky I am

How I play possum when stress overwhelms
and how I maintain a childlike since of wonderment
inside my old soul.

But I know it now.
And I know that candles and music will forever calm me

that taking a step back isn’t my “thing” but something
I have to force myself to do and once I do
I see clearer.

That I only bite my nails, when I am biting my tongue,

that when i am angry, I write villains exceptionally well.

That when I am blocked mentally, it is because I’m not being challenged enough;

that I can run on autopilot so smoothly, even I can’t tell my cruising altitude–
That I’m no where near as smart as I think I am, but so much brighter than I ever believed.

That Neverland isn’t a place, it’s a state of being.

Cheers to all the challenges that make or break us,
and to knowing thyself.

Its as scary as it sounds.

Fraud

Either you feel like a fraud
or you actually are a fraud.

The older I get the more I see through the
thin veneer of “adulthood”

Adulthood is the true fairy tale.
Grown-ups tell kids stories of the magical time
when life comes together and you understand the meaning
and purpose of your life
That along comes a job and career and suddenly you are
doing all the things you are supposed to be
and you just get so comfortable that marriage
and children inevitably follow.

But the reality of life is that it is all
a shot in the dark.

and unless you are a complete fraud,
you can admit
that you have no idea what you are doing and
where you are going sometimes.
That you feel like an impostor behind a mask of serenity
and pretending you have it all together is as exhausting as
keeping it all together.

Self-awareness is necessary to achieve any degree of happiness. And I’ve become acutely aware just how much I don’t know about anything.

Being passionately curious and willing to dig in and try to learn is my saving grace when I feel like my fraudulence is getting to me.

Appreciation

“What wins?”
I grumble to myself as I read the days challenge over a creamy caramel cup of coffee.

I think its a trait I’ve carried over from my youth but I have always considered success to be a state to live in and failure to be a pit. But reality is so much greater than that. A win for me today, I woke up early and instead of cowering under the covers hiding from sunshine i opened the window and started my day.
I checked my email and planned my day accordingly.

Taking time to appreciate my successes and even attempts however big or small will only serve my craft, hone my self love, and give me ownership of my life—all of it.

~

And when life gets too much
when the roots I’ve sewn deep in the soil
feel like chains anchoring me to a decaying ground
and the tempest around me disrupts the stillness in my soul
until I want to scream my primal fear and anguish into the void

I look up
at the winking stars perched on black matte
many, i know are long dead
and yet
I still see their light.

I take a breath
inhaling the dust of things much older than the
planet I exist on.

my smallness of being
cloaks me like a sheltering shroud
and I am content in the
storm.

Awaken my heart

“May this serve the awakening of my heart”

I am under duress. Not the “buckle down” kind
the “buckle under” kind.

I got lost in the woods chasing rabbits through the trees and
now I’m missing the forest.

At least that is what my mind told me. Repeatedly.
As I sat staring blankly at the TV screen willing myself to fall asleep.

The mind is a writers best friend and worst foe.
Sure I can dream up stories just watching the way J ponders the sunlight while sipping a cup of coffee.
But I can also convince myself that everything is awful and horrible and disastrous and the only way I can make it better is to worry and work and whenever I’m not doing either of those things…to drown in syrupy guilt.

This challenge on my intentionality stopped my overactive mind on its hellbent path with one quote: “May this serve the awakening of my heart”.

Rather then let these difficulties rattle my bones till they fracture, I can take a mindful moment, focus on the present and let this become a journey for me to surmount. A valley with sloping inclines for me to work my way up rather then a pit to wallow in.

“If we must bear the inescapable challenges each day brings, why not learn to love them?”

–I’m no yogi, and given my personality there is slim chance I’m going to love my way through the challenges in my life. But I can learn to love myself and my support system through the harder times.

And while I’m at it I’ll learn a lesson or two so that I don’t end up in the same stupid valley twice!

Day 11– Creating Space

I was completely unprepared for the types of challenges this Inspirational Challenge Journey would send me on!

I thought it would mostly be journaling, but it has sent me into the living world for conversation, feedback and engagement. (which is why I haven’t been updating on my activities)

I’ve had to engage in mindful meditation 3 times a day, and tell someone the truth. I’ve had to confront anxious ideas to figure out their roots, and offer encouragement to someone I don’t like. I’ve had to visualize my stress and transmute it into something else.
It’s been so much work and intensity that I haven’t found the time or energy to write about it afterwards…which at first seemed like a waste— but as I’ve continued on the challenge road, it’s been a boon for my creativity! Not feeling the obligation and disdain to write but the excitement of looking forward to sharing and turning all my thoughts and experiences into future notes!

So far the biggest challenge has been creating my own space. At work I am an admin which means I handle everything, every detail, every minor incidence, every scalding hot fire that comes our way. Whether its my job or not, rain or shine, no matter what else I have on my plate. But this challenge required me to create a space for myself so I can feel secure, appreciated and not overwhelmed. This means I had to say no, and to re-enforce that no.

It was incredibly empowering to simply say, “no- I don’t have time for that right now, I can get to it in a month or so but I will not do it now.” My space is my own. I own it, and I have to protect it fiercely. Otherwise others can and will take from my my time, my serenity, and my joy.

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