I’m obsessed with checking my pulse

I need to know constantly- “is my heart beating to pump blood or to make my life, and others lives better?”

It’s actually annoying. Horribly annoying and sometimes it causes me so much guilt that I am basically immobile. Paralyzed by the thought that I can never do enough, be enough, help enough. I feel lazy, so incredibly lazy.

But I am enough. And checking my pulse is important because it guides me, ever onward to the life I want to live. For myself and others.

These questions are a great start to putting your finger on the right veins.

  1. Do you earn enough money? Absolutely, I earn more than enough money to have everything I need. 
  2. Do you enjoy your job? Most days No. I enjoy the people and aspects of it, but generally speaking, its work, sometimes mindless and tedious. I’m a writer which means 90% of the time my mind is knee deep in a story or song. Realistically for me, any job that requires mindless tedium is not going to be enjoyable for me. The job I have now, is perfect for me though. I acknowledge that because independence is something I value, highly. Where I have it, I thrive.  
  3. Do you prefer Saturday or Monday? Saturday, just like I hate mornings, I hate Mondays. I hate beginnings, they are slow and predictable and boring to me. I like the days/times when anything goes. Anything can happen. 
  4. What would you like to be doing one year from now? Can you make that happen? A year from now I’d like to have published my book of poems. Scary to think about, especially scary because I can make it happen. It hasn’t happened yet—Not for lack of talent, but probably lack of courage. 
  5. What would you like to be doing five years from now? Will you make that happen? At least part time writing. And I DON’T KNOW. I can only hope. 
  6. What would you do with your life if you were a billionaire? Is it possible to live a modified version of that life anyway? I hate to think of things like this. Reality check, I’d probably buy things I didn’t need, and donate a bunch of it to causes I care about. really I have every dime I need in my current paycheck, so why wish for more. I just need to be more responsible with what I do have. 
  7. How much could you cut your outgoings by? How much time at work does that equate to? I could cut them by a lot. I go out all the time, to eat, to shows, to drink, to hang with friends, to watch sportsball… But why would I want to? I have to work, whether I go out or not. Spending time on experiences is one of lifes pleasures for me.
  8. Do you have enough spare time to do the things you really enjoy? If not, why not? I do, I’m sometimes too lazy to make use of the time I have. 
  9. What takes up a lot of your time but is neither unavoidable, rewarding nor enjoyable?Why don’t you cut that/them out immediately, or pay somebody to do it for you? LAUNDRY. I hate it. Obviously if I paid someone to do it, I’d be a prima donna. I already have enough thrift shop clothes I can go two months without doing laundry, as long as commando in a skirt doesn’t bother anyone. 
  10. What mildly pleasant, but pretty pointless things do you fritter too much time doing? How many times a day do you check your email/Twitter/Facebook? How much TV do you watch? Neftlix, it kills my life-energy.
  11. What would you like to do more of? Read, and write.
  12. What motivates you to do something well? When I see that something I’ve done or said has impacted someone positively. 
  13. Who do you envy, and why? Too many people. Everyone on Facebook who goes on vacation.
  14. If you were 100 and looking back on your life, would you be happy with a life well-lived? I would be happy with the things I’ve done and choices I’ve made. But I’d feel incomplete, because I haven’t made my impact yet, I don’t think. 
  15. What makes you proud, satisfied, and content? I feel like I’ve answered this by proxy earlier….
  16. What makes you frustrated, bored, and unfulfilled? Uncreative tasks, being told what to do.  Repetition, predictability, banality. Not being able to spend all night awake for no other reason than just to think, breathe, listen to music and scribble.
  17. What would you do if you had more talent? I would be working to create more opportunities for people to get access to alternative power sources. I would be working towards advancing low-cost sustainable power sources.
  18. What would you do if you had more guts? I would be a screenwriter, a director and I would be a songwriter.
  19. What would you do with your life if nobody was watching, judging or commenting? I would free myself of all my guilty feelings for not doing enough, or being enough. I’d just go write and read, and listen to music and learn new things without feeling inadequate for not working like a slave.
  20. What are you going to do about all this? I am going to figure it out.